Security to me means that I know my life isn't going to go through a major upheavel and that I'm not going to have to reinvent myself to change and adapt to the new life that I've been given.  Security means knowing that I'm going to be surrounded with those I love the most and that they're going to be there for me and I can feel confident in knowing that nothing is going to happen to them or me to make my life tumultuous.  As much as I'd like to think that I handle change good, I don't, and it always throws me for a loop when something happens to change my life in some way or another, with the exception of it being a good change, like marriage.  Even then there's a period of adjustment.  I had that happen with my first marriage where there was a period of adjustment on both of our parts, which I never really understood why that happened as we were living together for a year before we were married.  Maybe it was the change in status.  I'm digressing here though.  I'm looking forward to when I marry again and try to start a family, and that will be a major change in my life that will take some adjusting, but I feel that when that happens I will feel a little more secure in myself and in my situation to know that something is not going to take that happiness away from me. 

I guess I could say that being secure means being happy with my life and my situation and knowing that no matter what happens, everything will work out just fine.

I'm truly saddened by the events that took place yesterday at Virginia Tech. Though I may not be a student there, the pain they are suffering I feel here as well.  As a college student myself, I can not even in my wildest imaginations ever think that something like this would happen while I'm in class.  I can not even imagine what was going through that poor boys mind when he decided that he wanted to do this and end his life in such a horrific way.  I can, in my own way, feel the pain and the saddness that all those students at Virginia Tech are feeling, and the horrible fear they must be enduring.  My heart goes out to them and as I meditate on these events and the state of the world, I will send positive energies their way and hope that the students and families who have suffered will be able to heal their pains and move on.

I know what it's like to lose a family in such a sudden and unexpected way, and I'm still trying to heal from that over a year later.  I remember when I first found out and the overwhelming hurt I felt at knowing that my uncle decided to end his life.  My heart goes out to the family of that boy, as upset as everyone is with him right now, he was still a person, and he still had a family, and everyone needs to consider what they're suffering as well.  Whatever his problems, or whatever pain he felt to have done something so horrible, it is not the fault of the family and they are suffering just the same as the victims of this event.  In fact, I would consider them to be victims as well.

I can only hope that one day events like this will no longer exist.  I can only hope that we as a community can learn to get the necessary help for people who are this disturbed and this depressed.  I wish we could all love one another and respect one another and stop events like this from ever happening again, because as a student, it's scares me to think that this could have happened at my school, this could have been my class, and I could have been one of those who were killed.  It's a scary thing to think about and something I wish nobody ever had to consider.

Some of us liked LEGOs. Some of us played with tiny toy soldiers. Some of us loved particular dolls. Some of us liked clay or paint or crayons. Some of us lined up toy trucks and cars. Some of us had stables of little ponies. And some of us played office. Think back over your own childhood. What was your favorite toy? And how was that a glimpse into who you are now?

This is pretty easy.  I loved building things, even as a kid.  Legos, erector sets, things of that sort always caught my attention, and Barbie's too, but more on Barbie's later.  Now I'm studying to be an architect to continue building things.  Hopefully, this time when I build, it'll be to make a mark in this world, to help this world sustain itself a little better by using green practices, and to improve the living conditions for people. 

Now, as for the Barbie's...  I've always wanted to be a mom and have a family of my own.  Early on in life I was already struggling with the concept of raising a family and having a career.  I new at an early age that it would be a hard struggle, because both things take a lot of your attention.  I have my family, and I'm working towards my career, and I must say, it's a struggle.  Lately I'm wondering though if the career is worth it.  If it wouldn't be better for me to stay home and be a mom, or maybe even work part-time and still have time for my [step]son and the household chores.  I just feel as if I don't have enough time for my family, and that's something that I really want to change, but am not in the position to do so right now.

We've got a really, really hard one for you today. Really hard. We're not sure you can answer it. Ready? Here's our question. Prepare yourself. It's a doozy.

Just kidding. :)

What would make you smile, right now? Now go share that smile!

If I was told that I could go home from work with pay.  :)

It's Monday, and it's one of those days that really make me wish that I did not have to work.  Not to mention I have a million things to do at home, to be wasting my time with work.

Take a minute to imagine your home, and all your possessions--from your photo albums to your wardrobe to your books and all your furnishings. Imagine, now, that all this will disappear; your home and everything in it is about to be demolished. You're allowed, however, to choose one item from within your house to save. (Your family and any pets are safe). What do you pick?

What's the most important thing you own?

I would pick my photo albums.  My memories are the most precious things I have and if I were to lose them, I feel as if a piece of me would be lost.  I have everything from the dress I wore on my first birthday, which is incidentally the same day I took my first steps, to the pictures I have from the last vacation I took with my family, and the pictures from our little Easter adventure today.  Those pictures and scraps of papers and such always remind me of the good times I've had, thae things I've learned throughout the various stages of my life, and it reminds me that good things are yet to come.

I'm having some issues.  I'm being threatened by my boyfriends ex-wife with physical harm, possibly death.  The part that really gets me is that she's supposed to me a hardcore Christian.  I don't understand how someone who follows Jesus' teachings can threaten another human being and have so much pent up hatred for someone else who had absolutely nothing to do with the misery that she's in.  I'm sure it's a reflection of what she feels for herself, but to try to inflict any kind of harm on another person is just unacceptable.  So what do I do?  She hasn't physically assaulted me ever, but she does have a record with the police and with Children Services for abusing her children, so would bringing the police's attention to her threats do anything?

I have not had the joy of experiencing childbirth. I have not been blessed with the miracle that is children, yet. I do however help raise a nine year old boy as, what I call, a pseudo-stepmom. I'm not "officially" this child's stepmother yet, but considering that I live with his father, and I help make sure he's fed, clothed, has done his homework, has cleaned his room, has not misbehaved, is happy, receives a hug when it's needed, is tucked in at night, has had his laundry done and his dishes cleaned, and all sorts of other things that go along with being a mother, I think it's safe to say that I'm this childs stepmom. Besides, what is a stepmom? Dictionary.com gives this definition:

step.moth.er {step-muhth-er] noun, the wife of one's father by a later marriage.

But this doesn't quite explain what I am. I went digging and found this definition:

surrogate mother 1. a person who acts in the place of another person's biological mother.

This fits a little better, but the term just doesn't sound as nice. The term "mother" of course would be preferred, but it's already taken by someone else. Someone, who in my opinion, does not deserve it. What is a mother anyways? Is a mother solely the person who has the child, or is there more to a mother then that? I decided to go check the definition of mother as well, and I found something interesting:

moth.er - Pronunciation[muhth-er] noun
1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.
5. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
6. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this! The term "mother" is appropriate with how I care for my boyfriends son! I know this may be a bit controversial, but does having a child automatically give you the right to call yourself a mother, even if you're a bad mother? What if the proper authorities see fit to take the kids away and take away all your rights to the kids? Should you still be allowed to call yourself a mother? Should you have the right to tell someone that she is not a mother, especially if she's the one that has lovingly taken over the role of mother for the children because you were incapable of it?

I think that stepmoms get very little credit for all the work they do, having been placed in this situation myself. I never thought that I would be a stepmom. What woman does! Women are raised to find a man that she's willing to spend the rest of her life with, get married and have children. Never in this fairy tale did it say that the man you will fall in love with will be burdened with a vindictive ex-wife and a full-time child!

When I first started dating my boyfriend, that in itself being controversial, people started telling me that I only wanted to be with him because I would have a ready made family, seeing as I do want to have a family of my own, but why in the world would any woman want to be placed in this situation?! Having to deal with you're boyfriends ex-wife and her jealousies, watching this child grow to love you more and more and have the ex-wife torment him for loving you, not being able to have any authority over this child that you help raise and being at the mercy of your partner. Your boyfriends mother is constantly comparing you to the ex-wife and waiting for the moment that you do something wrong so she could say, "SEE! I told you this one was no better then the last!" Having it thrown daily in your face that someone else was able of getting the family you always wanted (the husband, the kids, the house) and took it all for granted. It's enough to make any woman run to the psychiatrist and beg for anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills! It's not fun and it's not easy. I do have to say though, that for me, it's very fulfilling. I'm like the best friend my stepson always wanted. I get to have fun with him and hear him laugh, and listen to his crazy little jokes, and we learn from each other. Every day this nine year old child teaches me something new about life and about myself. I never knew I had it in me to be a mom, and was actually terrified of the concept because I was afraid I was going to be bad at it and that my child would hate me. This child has taught me what it means to be a mother, and how to be a good one. My loving boyfriend comments to me almost daily what a great mom I am to his child, and what a great mom I'll make to my own children. This child has taught me patience, because God knows you need it for kids! He's taught me unconditional love; the type of unconditional love that you don't have to freely hand out but is given to you because of who you are. This beautiful little boy who's face has filled my cubicle at work and who's silly little drawings are hanging all over the walls of my desk has brought so much life and love to my little world that I couldn't imagine a day without him, yet I have no rights to him. If my boyfriend decides to break up with me tomorrow this child will be lost to me forever, and I have no say in it whatsoever. I would be completely and utterly crushed.

Being a stepmother has to be the hardest job a woman can perform because there are so many expectations of her, on top of the expectations she throws on herself, with very little if any reward. Most stepmothers don't even get acknowledged on Mother's Day simply because they are not the biological mother. Is that fair? No, but like I've always been told, "Life is not fair."

So this is going to be my first entry, and I don't believe that I'll be blogging here a lot, but I'll try to do my best.  I'm a very busy girl, between my full time job, my full time education and my full time family, I barely have time for myself.  I'm making myself take some time now because I'm incredibly overwhelemed and incredibly tired.  School has been kicking my butt lately, and I needed some "me" time, but as soon as I'm done with this, I will get back to work. 

Here's a little about myself.  It has always been my dream, since I was a kid, to become an architect and change the world one structure at a time, and after many years of slacking off, I've decided that it's about time I get back on track.  I'm currently going to school to accomplish just this, as well as working full time at an architecture firm, which also further helps me reach my goal and keeps me on track.    Everyone at the office motivates me to do what I've always wanted to do.

I live with my boyfriend who also has full custody of his nine year old son.  I'm a stepmother to this child.  Actually, I'm more mother then stepmother seeing as how his mother really is not in his life, but that's fine by me too.  I don't like to hate, but this woman truly brings out the worst in me.  It's very hard to do everything that I do and still keep things in perspective the way I need to, and I guess that's where sites like this come in.  They keep me focused, they keep me grounded, and they keep me honest.